The "One Minute Miracle" technique to get kids excited about cooperation

This technique works great for when you need to transition your child from one activity to the next, like when you need them to stop playing and come get ready for dinner.

In my interview with mother-daughter team Sandi and Melissa Schwartz, parenting coaches and authors of the book Authentic Parenting Power, they share what children need to be able to listen, and how to help your child feel empowered.

Sandi also shares her simple "One Minute Miracle" technique that you can use to get your children excited about cooperation, while also building a deeper connection and respect between you.

How to Use the One Minute Miracle Technique

At its core, the "One Minute Miracle" is about replacing commands with connection. Here's how to use this strategy in everyday situations:

Step 1: Announce What’s Happening

Instead of shouting from a distance (e.g., "Dinner is ready! Stop what you’re doing!"), enter your child’s physical space. Calmly and gently announce, "I came in to tell you that dinner will be on the table in five minutes." This provides clear and calm communication about your expectations without sounding bossy or demanding.

Step 2: Acknowledge Their Current Activity

Take a moment to show genuine interest in what they're doing. For example, say, "You look busy. Can I watch you for a minute and see what you're doing?" This acknowledges their activity is as important as your request, fostering a sense of being seen and valued.

Step 3: Transition with Connection

After observing and engaging for a minute, transition to your request while maintaining connection. For example:

"This looks so cool! You’re really great at this. Show me more as soon as we finish dinner."
This reinforces that you respect their time and gives them something to look forward to after cooperating.

Step 4: Follow Through

After dinner, come back to watch or engage with what they were doing. Stick to your word: "I can't wait to see what you were working on before dinner." This follow-through builds trust and strengthens the relationship.

Why the One Minute Miracle Works

Children are more likely to cooperate when they feel connected, respected, and empowered. As Sandi Schwartz explains, "It's a three-part strategy that is going to encourage connection, because you acknowledge that their life is important, as important as your life is, and that you are there for them." By addressing the child's need to feel seen and heard first, you can bypass power struggles and create an atmosphere of mutual respect.

Additionally, as Melissa highlights, "... children, first of all, have to feel empowered. If they feel like they're being bossed around or told what to do, they're going to push back because they want to feel power." The One Minute Miracle technique re-frames requests as collaboration, reducing resistance and fostering healthy empowerment.

Tips to make this technique work better

1. Make Time: Take the minute. Although it may feel inconvenient in the moment, that brief pause can prevent a much longer battle, saving you more time and emotional energy.

2. Use a Calm Tone: Ensure your voice conveys care instead of frustration or command.

3. Maintain Predictability: Regular routines reduce the likelihood of pushback because children know what to expect. Melissa explains, "When kids know what's to come, they're much more likely to be cooperative."

4. Be Present Post-Request: After your child cooperates, honor your word by revisiting their activity. This reinforces trust and respect and shows them that you truly care about what's important to them.

Common Problems or Mistakes

Mistake 1: Shouting Across the Room

Demands made from a distance often come across as cold or bossy. As Sandi explains, shouting “Get off your computer!” sounds disempowering and unempathetic. Instead, physically go to your child and engage with them.

Mistake 2: Treating Everything Like an Emergency

Parents often make every request feel urgent. Having an empowering communication style most of the time ensures that children can handle emergencies when it really matters, because everything doesn't feel like an emergency.

... sometimes there is an emergency and they do need to listen. "Stop!" "Don't do that!" "Come over here!" And when parents employ these strategies, most of the time children can handle an emergency "Stop, listen, don't do that. Come this way."

It's when everything in life is being given to them like an emergency. When they feel like they're being bossed around constantly, that that doesn't work.

I don't want parents to think that we are saying kids never have to listen.

There are absolutely times where they must listen, "Stop, don't run in the street" or "Look out! There's a car coming!"

And when we generally create this atmosphere of empowerment and connection, they can really handle those moments when they need to listen in the moment, because everything doesn't feel like it's an emergency.

Mistake 3: Failing to Follow Through

If you promise to revisit their activity after cooperation, fulfill that promise. Failure to do so diminishes trust and undermines the connection you’re trying to build.

Action Steps for Parents

Here are steps to begin incorporating the One Minute Miracle into your daily parenting:

1. Reflect on Your Mindset: Are you operating from the belief that children should "listen just because you're the parent"? Think about how you can view your child's agenda as just as important as your own or another adult's.

2. Evaluate Your Routines: Where can you make your child’s day more predictable? Clear, consistent routines reduce resistance and create smoother transitions.

3. Practice the Technique: Start using the One Minute Miracle during mealtimes, bedtime routines, or other common moments of tension.

4. Commit to Connection: Make it a habit to acknowledge and value your child’s current activity as part of your request process.

Journaling / Reflection for Parents

To help you stay mindful in your parenting journey, answer these reflective questions after using the One Minute Miracle technique:

• Did I approach the situation with calmness and presence?

• How did my child respond to my engagement with their activity?

• What changes am I noticing in our cooperation over time when using this technique?

• How can I improve my connection and follow-through the next time?

Final Thoughts

The One Minute Miracle technique is more than just a parenting hack; it’s a philosophy rooted in mutual respect and genuine connection. As Sandi Schwartz advises, "What we want to do is help children feel healthy power, not this combative power with the adults in their lives."

By adopting this technique, you’re not only fostering cooperation but also laying the foundation for a trusting, respectful, and harmonious relationship that will last a lifetime.

Instead of focusing on just getting compliance, use this approach to empower your child and show them you are truly present for them—even in the smallest of moments.