The "Take the Pressure Off" technique

The Take the Pressure Off technique is a powerful but simple approach to get better cooperation from your child—without resorting to frustration, yelling, or power struggles.

On this page I'll explain this technique, how to implement it, and ways to build a deeper connection with your child while teaching emotional regulation.

In my interview with Dr. Hilary Mandzik, licensed psychologist and parent coach, we talk about why connecting with your child on a regular basis is so important for increasing cooperation.

Dr. Hilary also shares how you can get your kids to cooperate without frustrating arguments, and how to develop your child’s ability to manage and regulate their own emotions.

What is the "Take the Pressure Off" technique?

Dr. Hilary describes the technique as stepping back from being overly controlling or directive, especially when asking your child to do something.

“Sometimes kids feel like we are just constantly ‘do this, do that, because I said so,’ and they need a little bit more autonomy.” Dr. Hilary Mandzik

What I like about this method is its playful, low-pressure approach, which is particularly effective with younger children like toddlers and preschoolers. By using curiosity and fun, you give your child space to make positive choices without feeling cornered or overwhelmed.

Key Principle: When a child feels they’re under too much pressure to comply, they’re likely to resist. Removing that pressure invites them to cooperate more willingly.

How to Use the "Take the Pressure Off" Technique

Follow these steps next time you want your child to do something they might not want to do.

1. Pause Before You Push
   Instead of repeating commands (e.g., “Pick up your blocks!”), take a step back and approach the situation with curiosity.

2. Make It a Game
   Say something like:

   “Okay, you know what, I’m just going to step out of the room for a minute. I don’t know what’s going to happen. Are you going to pick up the blocks? We’ll see.’”

   When you stop watching, kids often surprise you by scurrying to complete the task. This approach shifts the dynamic, making compliance feel like their choice rather than a top-down demand.

3. Return with Positive Reinforcement
   Once your child completes the task, return and notice their effort: “Wow, you cleaned up all the blocks! That’s awesome!” This reinforces their self-motivation and sense of accomplishment.

Tips for Effective Implementation

• Set the Stage with Connection
  The "Take the Pressure Off" technique works best when your child feels connected to you beforehand. Spend a moment joining their world before introducing the task. For instance, if your child is playing with blocks, sit down next to them, ask about their creation, and engage in conversation before transitioning to cleanup.

• Stay Calm and Approachable
  If your child resists or doesn’t immediately respond, keep your tone light and non-threatening. Avoid turning the situation into a power struggle.

• Be Playful
  Children, especially younger ones, love games and silliness. Use this to your advantage by pretending not to know if they’ll follow through or making it seem like an exciting mystery.

Common Challenges and Mistakes to Avoid

1. Feeling Triggered
   If your child doesn’t comply immediately, it’s natural to feel frustrated or triggered. However, as Dr. Hilary explains, “You can feel triggered and still choose to do the right thing for your kid.” Pause, take a breath, and remind yourself that cooperation takes practice.

2. Turning Playfulness into Sarcasm or Manipulation
   The goal is to approach the situation with genuine lightheartedness, not mockery or manipulation. Children can sense insincerity and may push back.

3. Expecting Immediate Success
   Behavior change takes time—both for you and your child. Be patient, and celebrate small wins along the way.

Action Steps to Start Using the Technique Today

• Pick a Routine Task: Identify a small, recurring task where your child often resists (e.g., cleaning up, getting dressed).

• Practice Stepping Back: The next time your child hesitates when you ask them to do something, playfully walk away or make it a game instead of repeating a command.

• Experiment and Reflect: Track how your child responds and what works for them. Certain approaches work best for different kids - this technique worked really well for my daughter, but not always for my son.

What Your Child's Behavior Is Trying To Tell You

An important mindset to understand is that when children resist, it’s not about being defiant; it’s about unmet needs or missing skills.

When your child is pushing back and saying, “No, I can’t do this,” or they’re scared of doing it, or they’re having sort of a meltdown around you asking them to do something. To me, I look at all behavior as communication. So, if you ask your child to do something and they fall apart, that to me is data.

That tells me, “Okay, something’s going on with my kid. My child needs something right now. My child is missing the skill to deal with this appropriately.” And I don’t necessarily know which thing is going on in any given moment. So, when I see my kiddo melt down over something that shouldn’t be a big deal, I’m going to get curious.

“I wonder what’s going on for my kid right now. I wonder why this is so hard.” And sometimes that need is just to push back. Sometimes our kids need to feel safe telling us No. That doesn’t mean that we’re going to change the expectation or say, “Okay, never mind. You don’t have to do the thing.”

Dr. Hilary Mandzik

Try asking yourself:

• “Why is this so hard for my child right now?”

• “What is my child trying to communicate to me?”

Viewing resistance as a clue, rather than a problem to fix, allows you to address the root cause effectively.

Integrating Connection Into Everyday Parenting

Something important to understand is that the more connected your child feels to you, the more willing they'll be to cooperate with you.

Here are some additional way to build connection with your children:

1. Join Your Child’s World
   Before asking your child to transition to a new activity, spend a minute engaging in what they’re doing right now. For example:

   “Can you sit down on the couch next to them and say, ‘Hey, what are you doing? Tell me about the game?’ And then say, ‘Hey, in five minutes we’re going to turn off the game.’”

   This ensures your child feels cared for and valued, making it much more likely they'll cooperate.

2. Allow All Emotions
   Acknowledge negative feelings without trying to fix or suppress them. Dr. Hilary advises:

   ...if your child is feeling scared or sad or otherwise just emotional, my whole mantra around this is just let the feelings be. Just let your child feel what they’re feeling. Don’t try to make them feel better. Don’t talk them out of it. We teach emotion regulation, which is essentially learning how to do the right things with our feelings, by letting our kids feel, in our safe presence.

   If your child is scared, you can say, “I hear you. You’re really scared right now. It’s okay to feel scared. Tell me more about it.” All of that is still based in connection.

3. Set Gentle but Firm Boundaries
   If your child ultimately doesn’t comply, it’s okay to step in and help, but do so in a calm, non-punitive way:

   And sometimes as parents, we have to set that boundary and be the one to say, “Okay, I can see this is really hard for you, so I’m going to step in and help.”

   And we do that in a collaborative connected way. We don’t do it in a punitive way. Like, “Look what you made me do now! I’m going to turn it off for you.” It’s not like that. It’s very much just, “I can see this is hard, I’m going to help you.”

Remember: It’s All About Connection

The Take the Pressure Off technique is not just about encouraging cooperation—it’s about building a strong, trusting relationship with your child. One of my favorite things that Dr. Hilary said was:

“There’s no bad guys here. Not bad parents, not bad kids. It’s just people who are doing the best with what they have in that moment.”

Remember to be compassionate with yourself and your child. Everyone is doing the best they can. Change takes time, but each step you take toward connection and understanding sets the foundation for a happier, more cooperative, and less stressful family!

Quick Summary

• Use the Take the Pressure Off technique by stepping back and making cooperation feel like your child’s choice.

• Build connection first by joining your child’s world before making a request.

• Acknowledge and validate your child’s emotions, even during resistance.

• Stay curious and use behavior as a cue about what your child needs.