Dr. Chelsey Hauge-Zavaleta: How to use “Recasting” to correct your child’s behavior in a positive way

1. About Dr. Chelsey Hauge-Zavaleta
2. How to use “re-casting” to correct your child’s behavior in a positive way
3. How to deal with bad behavior without making your child feel bad
4. How “re-casting” allows you to move away from nagging, and helps improve your relationship with your child
5. How to use the “Five P’s” method to convince your child to cooperate
6. How to use “re-casting” to remind your child to do what they are supposed to do
7. What to do instead of threats or consequences to get your child to cooperate
8. Why your tone of voice can make a big difference in your child’s behavior…and how to get the correct tone of voice to get them to cooperate
9. Action steps

Dr. Chelsey’s expertise lies in educational neuroscience, social emotional learning, educational equity, and building calm, cooperative family relationships.

She has taught and researched at The University of British Columbia, Stanford University, and Mills College. 

Dr. Chelsey’s sensitivity to child development, deep knowledge in the brain and nervous system and sensitivity to empathic relationships enable her to work with families to support cooperation - no matter the challenge.

A mother to three children, she brings both deep professional expertise and compassion from her own parenting journey to bear in her work with families.

You can find more about Dr. Chelsey’s courses or coaching at her website here.

Dr. Chelsey shares how using the “re-casting” technique allows you to correct your child’s behavior without paying negative attention to it, and without making your child feel bad.

Dr. Chelsey Hauge-Zavaleta: What I’m doing is I’m giving them the “pro-social behavior”. Pro-social just means what they should do instead of what they shouldn’t do. I’m giving them the pro-social and it’s such a vote of confidence. It’s to say, “I assume that if you knew what to say correctly, you would do it. So, I’m just going to give it to you. I’m not paying any attention to the yucky thing that has just happened.”

What happens for a lot of us is our kids do something that’s rude, or frustrating, or said in the wrong way, and we pay a lot of negative attention to it. And it feels bad for the parent, and it feels bad for the child, and it doesn’t teach the child what they are supposed to do.

It’s the same thing if I’ve got two kids fighting over a toy, and one of them says something nasty to the other one about the toy.

I’m going to recast that. “I’d like to be next.” And then I’m going to help that child wait.

If you are like me, then you are probably tired of constantly nagging your kids. And your kids are also probably tired of it! Dr. Chelsey shares how “re-casting” is an alternative to nagging that does not break down your relationship with your child.

Dr. Chelsey Hauge-Zavaleta: So recasting is a strategy that works for little ones and works for our big kids. It works because it helps us stay away from nagging, or from overcorrection. And nagging just breaks the relationship between the parent and the child, which I am just so careful about.

And it also gives us the immediate opportunity for praise. As soon as I say, “Oh, I can be next,” and then my child says, “I’ll be next,” then I get to praise them for waiting. Or I say, “Milk please,” and the kid says, “Milk, please,” then I’m going to go, “Wow, you did it. You got it.”

So, it just feels like: “Here’s the thing, and I know that you can do it. And so, I’m just going to give it to you, because you’re a good kid, and you’re going to figure this out, and we’re going to help each other do it.”

Dr. Chelsey recommends checking the “Five P’s” when children are not cooperating, to ensure that your message has the best chance of being accepted by your kids. The Five P’s are: Praise, Positive language, Position, Pacing, and Planning.

Sue Meintjes: How can you use “recasting” when your child does not want to cooperate? For example, my child keeps delaying getting ready for school.

Dr. Chelsey Hauge-Zavaleta: If I have a child who is delaying leaving for school, I can use recasting if they’re not doing the right thing yet. And I’m also going to make sure that I check my five P’s. So, the five P’s are: praise and presence, positive language and framing, position, pacing, and planning.

And so, if my kid is not getting out the door, I’m going to make sure that I’m not giving directions from across the room. I’m getting into close physical proximity. So, within an arms distance before I give a direction.

I’m going to ensure that my language is positive. That is what recasting will give you: a positive pro-social language.

I’m also going to ensure that I’m breaking things down, so I’m using pacing to move slowly through whatever we’re moving through.

And then I’m making a plan with my child to move a little bit more easily in the future. Oftentimes what happens with our kids in those moments is that there’s some resistance, the child says, “I don’t want to do that.” And those are the kinds of moments that I also use recasting.

“Re-casting” is not just useful for correcting what your child says, but also for correcting their behavior. Here Dr. Chelsey shares how you can use it to help your child get ready for school.

Dr. Chelsey Hauge-Zavaleta: So, if we’re getting ready for school, and I’ve told my child, “I need you to fill your water bottle up,” and they have not done it, or not responded. I’m going to go over to them. I’m going to put my hand on that kid’s shoulder, and I’m going to hand them the water bottle, and I’m going to say, “Oh, I’ll get it.” And my intention is that my child says, “Okay, I’ll go do it,” and then I’m going to walk with them over to the fridge to get the water.

So, we want to think about some sort of global supports for our kids, especially in these moments of transition where you’re trying to get out the door, or trying to go somewhere, and your child is getting locked in the hubbub of the mornings. We’ve all been there; those mornings are tough.

I hate threatening my kids or having to come up with consequences for bad behavior. Dr. Chelsey shares how you can change your thinking to understand why your child is not behaving, and how you can help change their environment to make cooperation easier.

Sue Meintjes: It sounds like this is about keeping in a positive state, just guiding your child while staying positive.

Dr. Chelsey Hauge-Zavaleta: It is to be positive, and you can hold just as firm of a boundary with positive language as you can with threats, or with consequences, or anything like that.

So, I want to make sure that I’m always asking “What does this child need in order to move more easily through the morning? What kinds of experiences do they need?”

Not, “What kinds of consequences do they need to get out the door?” I’m just asking myself “Why this?”, and “Why right now?”, and “What do they actually need?” Do they need the home to be quieter? Do they need me to be closer? Do they need to do some of the getting ready in the evening? Do they need a picture board?

I just want to flip the frame, so it’s not like “They’re not listening.” It’s like, “Oh, we’re going to figure this out, but we might need to switch things up a little bit.” It’s usually more about the parent than it is about the child.

It is easy to forget that is not just what you say but also how you say it that determines how your child will react. So, this reminder from Dr. Chelsey about how your tone of voice can affect your child is critical to remember if you want your kids to cooperate and listen.

Sue Meintjes: That’s extremely helpful, thanks. Is there anything else that parents need to know about this approach?

Dr. Chelsey Hauge-Zavaleta: There are so many things that are important here. I think the biggest one is that our kids are co-regulating with us. And so, a good state of regulation is flexibility with stability. That is a child who can manage getting out in the morning, even if it’s kind of bumpy. A child who becomes dysregulated can’t manage that.

And all our kids are hardwired to listen to and respond to parent tone. And so, I always want to encourage parents to really consider the way their tone affects a child’s ability to cooperate. And when you say something to a child with a lot of negative tone they’re not going to cooperate.

Whether you’re thinking about recasting, or you’re thinking about priming your child, or you’re thinking about offering high quality praise to your child, if you have negative tone in your voice, you can break the connection. And most of us have a lot of harsh tone in our voices in the morning.

Taking a minute to take care of ourselves, so that we can meet our children with a super warm, engaged tone is going to help them cooperate. It’s going to help them listen to us. They don’t want to listen to a parent who’s angry and frustrated and drilling out consequences or demands.