How to use playfulness to get your child to cooperate

Playfulness is one of the easiest, and fun, ways to get kids to cooperate and listen to you.

That's because playing with your child strengthens your connection with them. And when you have a strong connection with your child, they trust you, and they are much more likely to cooperate with you.

Focusing on building a strong connection with your child builds a strong sense of security in them, where they look up to you in a noble way, and want to be like you and emulate you. You become a role model they want to be like, instead of a figure to be feared.

And when you put connection first, you can go to bed at night knowing you supported your child, and not feel ashamed because you yelled at them. You feel better about yourself when you stay engaged and connected to your child.

• Read or listen to my interview with Julie King (about 10 minutes), where she shares how to use playfulness even when you aren’t feeling playful, and how to manage your own negative emotions when your kid upsets you.

• Try to use the "make inanimate objects talk" technique today when asking your child to do something. Simply change your voice, pick up the object, and play with your child for a while before letting the object ask your child what you want them to do. Also try out one of the other playfulness techniques I shared on this page.

• BONUS: Spend 10 minutes reflecting or journalling about today's Reflection Prompt

In this 10 minute interview with Julie King, co-author of two best-selling books: “How To Talk So LITTLE Kids Will Listen” and “How To Talk When Kids Won’t Listen”, she shares how to use playfulness to get your kids to cooperate.

Julie also shares how to use playfulness even when you aren’t feeling playful, and how to manage your own negative emotions.

Make inanimate objects talk. This is a really simple way that I often use to get my kids to cooperate when they start resisting.

Instead of giving a direct order, grab the object in question. Then use an exaggerated or funny voice for the object (e.g., “Oh no, I’m so empty. I need a foot in me! I’m so sad!”).

Let’s say you’re trying to get your child to put her shoes on.

Instead of doing the nagging, “Honey, don’t you run away from me! Come back here! We have to get your shoes on right now!” You can instead pick up the shoes and make them talk. “I feel so empty and lonely. I need a foot in me.”

Suddenly, your little child who had no interest in shoes a minute ago, will be coming over and sticking her feet in the shoes and probably talking to them as well. “Oh, here shoes. Here we go. I’ll warm you up. Here’s my foot.” So that’s one of my favorite strategies for getting little kids to cooperate.

Julie King

Reverse psychology. This is something that I often use when my kids don't want to eat their veggies. Instead of trying to convince them to eat their food, I act like I am the vegetable that doesn't want to get eaten.

"Don't eat me, I'm bad for you," I say in a squeaky voice.

Sometimes this is all it takes to get my kids to eat their veggies, but this often turns into a more elaborate game, where I beg them not to eat the veggies and especially not the small veggies (because they are babies). The more I try to (playfully) get them to stop eating, the more they want to eat.

Sports commentary. This is a technique my husband taught me. When my kids don't want to cooperate or follow a rule, like using their cutlery and not their hands at dinner table, I often use the "sports commentary" game.

For example, instead of telling them how to eat, I just start commenting in a "sports commentator" style on how they are eating.

"Oh, look at that, he's putting the meat balls onto his fork. Is he going to be able to fit in some more spaghetti? Yes, he is. Look at that, ladies and gentlemen, just look at that fork, so full. Truly a magnificent performance."

This almost always gets both my kids excited to use their cutlery instead of their hands.

It also helps me guide them towards good behavior without having to get angry, frustrated, or use threats or nagging.

Recognize that play is not just for children. The fact is that doing things with a playful attitude makes everything more fun. The more you can bring play into your life and your interactions with your kids, the more fun parenting will become, and the better your relationship with your child will be.

We need to recognize that play is not just for children, that our lives as adults would be better if we played more, and our relationship with our children would be better if we play with them more. I don't mean all the time. Children need to play alone, they need to play with peers, but they need some time with us actually getting involved in playing with them.

Dr. Lawrence Cohen, author of Playful Parenting

Adopt a Playfulness Mindset: Approach tasks with a playful attitude. For instance, if getting ready for bed is a challenge, make it a game by pretending to march like soldiers to the bathroom or dance your way there. This makes chores fun and engaging.

Incorporate play into daily routines: Establish regular play-times where you can engage with your child without distractions, such as after dinner or during a specific part of the day. Don't just use play as a way to get your kids to cooperate, but use it as a way to build a deep connection and strong relationship with them. The more you do this, the easier getting them to cooperate will become.

Be sensitive to your child's mood: Gauge your child's emotional state before initiating play. If they are cranky or upset, they might need empathy more than playfulness at that moment. Don't try to force play when your kid needs your emotional support instead.

Use your child's interests. The more you can bring your child's interests into your requests, the easier it will be to get them to cooperate. Make a list of TV shows, movies, games, or books that your child enjoys, and bring elements from those into your play. For example, my daughter loves Frozen, so getting her an Elsa toothbrush made tooth-brushing time much easier.

Often power struggles and fights between you and your kids are caused by a lack of understanding. Our kids see the world very differently from us - they look at things through a lens of playfulness, curiosity, and exploration, while we have our schedules, to-do lists, and rules. And then, when we want them to do something, we come at them from our perspective and ignore how they see the world, which causes resistance, and leading to unhappiness, frustration, power struggles, and tantrums.

Reflection for today: Think of some recent disagreements you've had with your kids. What was their perspective? What did the situation look like from their perspective? Could you have used playfulness to communicate to them in their "language," instead of trying to get them to communicate in yours? How can you incorporate more playfulness into your daily routines to lessen power struggles in your household?