Becoming a stress detective
How to become an expert at figuring out the real causes of your child's behavior.
Sometimes my kids can just make me feel so frustrated!
Like when I work hard to cook a great meal, and my kids just don't appreciate it at all.
"I don't like these beans," my son complains, pushing his plate away.
"But honey, you eat those beans every day," I tell him, pushing his plate back.
"I also don't like beans," my daughter adds, always willing to follow her older brother's example.
"Well, then just don't eat the beans," I say, smiling through clenched teeth.
"I don't want them in my plate," my son decides.
So I take them out of his plate. But then the pasta "isn't cheesy enough." And then the mince "isn't saucy enough." On and on.
When my kids behave like this, it is easy for me to get mad, to just think that they are ungrateful little...
But the fact is that their behavior always has an underlying reason. And trying to find that reason actually makes it much easier to stay calm and have empathy for them.
Dr. Jean Clinton, child psychiatry professor and author of Love Builds Brains, described this as "becoming a stress detective", and according to her it not only helps keep you calm, but also helps build your child's emotional competence.
Our job as parents is to be stress detectors.
As the little one is having a meltdown in the grocery store, the first thing we have to do is frame it and say, “This is stress. This is not misbehavior, this is stress. And I’m going to figure out what’s going on here. Are they hungry? Are they cold physically? Are they emotionally so tired and this is the wrong time to come grocery shopping?” Ding! Note to self, I’m not going to do it again.
Dr. Jean Clinton
When your child is upset, emotional, or throwing a tantrum, try to become a “stress detective” and focus on understanding what is wrong with them, instead of trying to get them to calm down. The more you do this, the better you'll become at truly understanding what your child's behavior is telling you about them.
In our interview, Dr Clinton explains how to reframe misbehavior so that it becomes a positive learning opportunity, and why focusing on connecting with your kids helps them develop their brains.
In the interview with Dr. Jean, she shares what it really means when your child is not cooperating, and how to see their behavior as clues to their inner thoughts and feelings.
She also explains how to prevent your own frustrations from driving your behavior, especially when your kids are also upset.