Dr. Beth Trammell - How to use “Pairing” to intentionally reconnect with your child

1. About Dr. Beth Trammell
2. How to use “Pairing” to intentionally reconnect with your child
3. Why your need to understand what your emotional triggers are
4. How to teach your children to regulate their emotions
5. How to be more intentional in your parenting
6. The essential skills you need to get kids to listen and cooperate
7. Action steps

Dr. Beth Trammell is a licensed psychologist, author, speaker, and all-around “growth promoter”. In addition to her clinical psychology practice, Dr. Trammell also serves as Associate Professor of Psychology at Indiana University East as well as the university’s Director of the Master of Mental Health counseling program.

She specializes in communication and behavioral strategies related to interpersonal communication, connection, parenting, coaching and education.

Dr. Trammell’s years of clinical and practical experience perpetually influence the specialized trainings she leads throughout the country. Rooted on the premise of ‘Make Words Matter,’ Dr. Trammell blends the science of psychology with our contemporary culture to illuminate everyday challenges; leading us on a transformative path toward authentic and productive interpersonal connections.

Dr. Trammell’s books are available here:

• Hard Topics: Anger and Littles

• Hard Topics: Listening and Littles

• How to have the Hard Conversations about Social Media and Screen (with teens)

To stay calm, Dr. Beth says that you need to understand what triggers you, what makes you emotional, and then recognize those triggers before they blow you up!

Sue Meintjes: What are some practical tips that parents can use to do keep calm in the moment?

Dr. Beth Trammell: Start by recognizing what your emotional triggers are.

So maybe it’s when they say no, maybe it’s when they don’t eat their dinner. Maybe it’s whatever. Recognize what your emotional triggers are, and then you pause before you respond.

And even by saying, “Mommy’s going to take a minute to think about that. Mommy’s going to take a minute to take a deep breath because I’m feeling frustrated right now.”

Just saying out loud to our kids that I’m taking the pause is a good part of getting them to listen in the long run, because you’re basically telling them out loud what’s happening in your head.

Children learn by watching you, so the best way to teach them to regulate their own emotions is to demonstrate how you regulate your emotions. Here’s how Dr. Beth recommends you do this.

Sue Meintjes: It sounds like it is about emotional regulation, for yourself and for your child?

Dr. Beth Trammell: Yes. Absolutely. This is all a part of teaching. I always come back to that first part, that parenting is about guiding and teaching. We tend to see parenting, at least in the US especially, like, “Parenting is about protecting them from all the bad things that could happen.”

And I don’t talk about it that way because I actually don’t think that that’s helpful. When they become grownups, we’re not going to be able to protect them forever. Instead, we’ve got to guide them and teach them how to make smart decisions and how to respond when bad things happen.

Because bad things are going to happen, and we’ve got to teach them how to respond. That includes things like out loud communication about the things that are going on in our mind so that we can guide and teach our kids. And we don’t tend to do that unless we’re really intentional about doing it.

Sue Meintjes: That’s very interesting. Do you have any more tips for how we can be more intentional in our parenting?

Dr. Beth Trammell: For me it’s often coaching parents to pause to think about what they actually want to say. That idea of verbal vomit, it comes up a lot where I’m like, “Whoa, like your kid is not hearing what you want to say, so pause, think about what you want to say and then say it.”

So, we get stuck in these patterns of “I’m just going to threaten, or I’m going to do what my parents did to me. I’m going to say what my parents said.” And really, we just have to pause to think about what it is that we really want to build in the relationship right now, or what skill do we want to build in our child right now? And then say those words.

Sue Meintjes: I read on your website that there are essential skills to get kids to listen. Would you say Pairing is one of those?

Dr. Beth Trammell: Yeah, so Pairing is the first one. Effective instruction delivery is the second one, and that’s actually the science behind giving a good instruction.

Then, “mean what you say and say what you mean” as my version of being consistent. It’s really hard to expect parents to be consistent because everything in the world is always changing. And so, my focus is to mean what you say and say what you mean.

Teaching parents to, again, pause before you just start rambling all these things like “You’re never going to grandma’s house,” is about creating that consistency.

Developing structure, which means having effective routines. There is a skill around parents developing effective routines. And so, teaching structure through the lens of clear expectations and effective routines.

And then the last skill is child directed play. We as parents, at least in the US, tend not to be great at playing, and teaching specific play skills for parents.

For me, those essential skills are the foundation to get high rates of compliance, which is the fancy word for getting our kids to listen and cooperate.

Sue Meintjes: I love that. Where can we find out more about these essential skills?

Dr. Beth Trammell: Well, my book covers all of those. I have videos that go with all of the chapters, that explain the six essential skills in my book.

And there’s other things in my book too. I also talk about what I call game changers. Where before we start thinking a child is being naughty, we ask ourselves, “Are they eating? Are they sleeping? Can they see and can they hear?” And so first identifying those biological things that may be contributing to the child’s misbehavior.